Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
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How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?