Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
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Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
My Favorite Store: Here is an awesome coupon for 89% off any regular priced item!
Also My Favorite Store: We’re gonna put everything just a tiny bit on sale to render all coupons useless
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
lawyer talking under his breath: “guiltypeoplesaywhat?”
suspect: what?
lawyer: no further questions your honor
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur