*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
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Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
Air pods looking like an angry frog
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.