I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
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Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
All I’m saying is nothing is more annoying than people who ask “Why do you let them annoy you?”
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane: