Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
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My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
[canadians at you, canadianly]
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.