Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
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THERAPIST: Ever had a job?
ME: I once worked at a zoo
T: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: Definitely not a penguin
T: What
M: What
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
Pizza places should give away free pizza car air-freshners. Within 5seconds of sitting in your car, you WILL crave pizza.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.