All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
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[At a loud club]
Me: *the unceasing drone of locusts, driving to madness all unlucky souls who hear it*
Him: WHAT?
Me: *THE UNCEASING DRO
My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.
We’re prime-mates.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
happy friday
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
When I laugh on my period
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?