Them: CHOOSE YOUR WEAPON.
Me: Nachos.
Them: YOU– wait, dude, this is a battle to the death.
Me: *mouth full of nachos* Yeah, and who’s the real winner here?
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If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.