[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
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me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?