When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
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The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Delightful if true: booby trap.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
My husband and I have a lot in common. We’re both married to immature people and live in a filthy house.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on