My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
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just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”