I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
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*Inspirational Tweets*
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Taco Bell, Exit 22
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.