A frittata is just an omelette for people too lazy to flip things.
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[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
this is the best interaction on twitter
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October