Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
You Might Also Like
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
Support your local cemetery
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*