“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
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My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
This is me
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
I await the announcement that Trump’s running mate will be Charlie Sheen.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Schrödinger’s cookie
*opens my lunch of hard boiled eggs, pickles and kombucha *
Why does everyone on this bus hate me?
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?