Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not