“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
You Might Also Like
this chia pet tastes awful
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!
*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*
Justin: OMG we are so…
Jessica: DON’T say it.
Justin: …N*Sync
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”