God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
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me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
You’re like a gym membership.
You seem like a good idea but I’ll lose interest in a month.
cry laughing at this shit
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
ME (calling my horse with no name):
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
me refusing to leave twitter
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.