When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
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“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives