“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
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we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Fox News knows we can google stuff, right?
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken