My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
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[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
asbestos? I’m doing asbestos I can
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub