me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
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It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
I wish I could feed people I don’t like to my cat.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes