Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
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BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Farmer: I love my job
Wife: But all you do all day is round up cows
Farmer: What did you say to me?
Wife: You herd
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
Y’all ready for this
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one