I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
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Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?