*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
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ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
tell em, edith-anne
Customize Your Wedding.
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
interviewer: why did you leave your last job
me: because my boss said he was going to call the cops
I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.