Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
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Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
That’s a good costume, I hope.
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.