Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.
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Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start