Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
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Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
I love it when websites pop up a box to make me subscribe to read, and I always enter my real email address because it’s important.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
meow
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped