Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
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An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
[Haunted House]
Ghost:You’ve been here a week
Me: I like you
G:You knew what this was
M: I thought I was your boo
G: I say that to everyone
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.