How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
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HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?