[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
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Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
*butterfly climbing out of chrysalis*
oh my god I’m turning into my mother
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
doctor who has a passion for magic, during a colonoscopy: is this your card?
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
one of
Happy Friday
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires