Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
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[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV
ROMAN: What?!
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?
ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something