My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
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I’m feeling weak. I’ve got chills. With Valentine’s Day so close, love is in the air. So is the flu though. I sure hope it’s the flu.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
*Texting with my wife while she’s out*
Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !
Me: YOU’RE *