PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
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ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
[Frat party]
Everybody: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG-
CHUCK: {walking into the room} ME ME ME- oh.
necessity is the mother of invention
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.