[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
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interviewer: what are some of your strengths
me: i’m really good at making people question their reality
interviewer: what does that mean
me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
[if my cat tweeted]
When “over 38” is sad and missing her boyfriend, I try and cheer her up by peeing on her shoes and puking on her phone.
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.