Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
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My purse is deeper than some people.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding