Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
You Might Also Like
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.