ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
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The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Meat Cute
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
You know that one guy that lives in that one house across from that black dog not the one but the other one, I see now he’s working at that one place kind of downtown by that other place…
-my wife telling a story
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.