Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
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Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home