ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
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Mad Max: Furry Road
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
If a snake ate a cake
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?