9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
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Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
Uh oh…
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Ron is short for Aaronald
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
“what that mouth do?” complain
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.