me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
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6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Golf would be better with landmines.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH