I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
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Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
put ‘er there pardner!
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
“Sheer Arrogance”
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
They got a point!
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now