[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
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I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Cashiers are always checking me out
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.