STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
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People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.