Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
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him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.
Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.
Husband: You could use some cardio too.
*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.
Livid.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
(2022)
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees