I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
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My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
FRIEND: Your kitchen looks great
ME: Wanna see the new garbage disposal?
FRIEND: Sure
ME: [opening cupboard to reveal a large raccoon napping] His name is Boris
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.