My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
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ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
oppen heimer style lol
Most divorces could be avoided by buying 2 duvets.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.