Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
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[At Last Supper]
*Jesus raises bread*
This is my body
*raises wine*
& my blood
*pulls out 8 of Clubs*
& this is your card
*Apostles go nuts*
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
technically true but not a great slogan
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.
the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?