When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
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It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Why do people talking about legal matters use the term “in a court of law?” In the context of your very legal story, Karen, what the hell kind of court did you think I was imagining?
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.